I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
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