I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
