i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Randomize
