First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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