Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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