all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
