i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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