dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
