I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
