this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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