My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
