i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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