woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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