Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
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