Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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