Your favorite bartender is back from prision
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
