so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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