An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize