he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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