You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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