I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
