i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
