I'm laying in your front yard are you home
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
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