It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
he quoted the bible to break up with me
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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