I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize