there were more penises there than on chat roulette
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Someone shattered a urinal.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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