Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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