Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Why is your signature on my underwear?
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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