I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
