I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
