It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
