So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
