Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Randomize
