Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Be still, my beating vagina.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
