my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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