There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
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