The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
