i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
