I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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