Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
