at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
