I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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