That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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