either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
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