I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
