Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
