Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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