New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
he laminated a picture of his dick.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
