I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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