Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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