I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
