I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
