If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
