i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
