I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Randomize
