Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
