genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
