you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Randomize
