____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
